Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
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(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.