I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
You Might Also Like
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Confused owl: What?!
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?