Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
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ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
yeet
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.