My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
You Might Also Like
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
#NoRestForTheWicked
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.