Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
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ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Very problematic
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
These aliens are taking forever.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.