3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
You Might Also Like
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait