OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
You Might Also Like
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*