Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
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4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Nothing to do, you say?