angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
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[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
*sewing*
A thread
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“A little help here, Danny?”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”