PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?