It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
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I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.