*praying for world peace*
God:
You Might Also Like
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
wtf management?!
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Don’t tell me what to do
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat