Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
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WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?