Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.