For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Ha
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.