ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
You Might Also Like
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork