A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
FRED: right
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
When your man makes a valid point
yes… yes…
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting