As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
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McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register