Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
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My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha