I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
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God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Salad is the decaf of food.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD