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My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Chicago sounds lovely.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Super Hand Dog Face
My purse is deeper than some people.