Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Choose your fighter
He wanted to make sure😂
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.