Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
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weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
welp
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Generation gap…