I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
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Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.