Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
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9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.