Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
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Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778