So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
You Might Also Like
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Wait a second…
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
My inexpensive home security system…
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.