Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
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Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”