been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 馃槉
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[visiting America]
Me: Popeye鈥檚? He鈥檚 that spinach eating health nut isn鈥檛 he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
her: and what do you do?
me: I鈥檓 a mail escort
postal worker: I won鈥檛 tell you again, I don鈥檛 need you following me everywhere!
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Me: Don鈥檛 make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
This bar smells like my childhood.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The Raptcha鈥ou have to prove you鈥檙e not a robot before you can get into heaven
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Enforcer: Kids don鈥檛 get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?