30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I mean…but I did
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes