America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
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I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.