Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
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My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.