what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
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[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
When libraries troll their patrons.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
sry
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.