you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
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throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
i’m sure it’s fine
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
#oldknees
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down