Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
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Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Tough love is true love
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.