You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
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At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
This came to me in a dream.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.