Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of