I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
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*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”