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kids play hide and seek like
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.