I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*