If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
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Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea