doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Don’t we all.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.