Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
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Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation