This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
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I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Cat is stressing him out.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.