[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
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very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.