While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
Who.
Did.
This?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I only eat vegetarians.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.