Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
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[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
opening a flower shop called women in stem