Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
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Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Put a ring on it
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what