Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
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Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Not helping
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.