Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
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I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”